furry1337otaku

11:42 am: Panic Fear Anxiety
These are all flavors of the same thing, and it’s a taste I wish I didn’t know so well.

I lost my backpack. Juggling all my luggage from the con, I managed to overlook my backpack tucked between the seats on the bus. I am in shock and horror, aghast how I made such an important oversight. The panic will subside, and slowly it is as I force myself to respond rationally in order to best fix, correct and deal with this new situation. In many ways, my backpack is very nearly my life. I’ve managed to, over years of conscious effort, wean myself of it for periods, finding ways to leave it safely at home or lighten it to a manageable transport for the situation, switching to using index cards and a pencil to manage the itching drawing fingers.

Sure, I have other backpacks, but as I just took this backpack to a con, it contained everything I use to make art. My computer. My tablet. My inking pens. My colored pencils. My print folder is in there, as is my working materials of current sketches, a number of finished and in progress commissions that I took on during the con and was unable to deliver as the Artist’s Alley closed two hours earlier than scheduled.

I was all alight, happy that I made it to work on time, that I broke over even in expenses on the con, that I’d made new friends and thus some networking, planned the use of my day on laundry and setting up an easier commissioning process that includes contact information for both parties, detailed information sheets to keep the commission easy for me to understand and for the commissioner to give me all the details to save the number of edits I must make to a design. Posting my pricing in a conspicuous place and letting people know yet again my commissions are open. Was going to clarify my goal and obtain a printer/scanner as the next important step in my journey to establishing my newly forming business.

So while I wait, desperately hoping a good Samaritan found my backpack and turned it in, requiring me to call and call again the Port Authority to check for it, terrified it has been stolen, my art thrown out, my broken computer and tablet hocked or abused, or also thrown out, the backpack itself is more valuable to a stranger than any of the contents honestly, it’s an iPac, made to dock an iPod, which I don’t even have. I will go back to the old school methods I used, drawing and inking with sharpies, or ball point pens(though I am intending on buying some Copic SP’s… again).

So, hopefully, I’ll get around to rebuilding a portfolio, and people will show enough interest in my work, as well as my new lower prices ideal for anyone’s budget.

Additionally, poor starved children running amok in here at my mom in laws, I am going to destroy PETA one day. If I survive slightly bratty children.

07:36 pm: Despair
I can't seem to stay happy for any extended period of time. No matter how well things are going, somehow life ALWAYS suckerpunches me into depression, and the down periods only seem to be getting lower as time goes on. It's so hard to deal with it anymore. It's just so tiring. The physical effects seem more intense, and the worst thing is not even feeling like trying to find something to cheer up about.

And that just makes it all the more depressing.

So many good happy things had been on my mind lately, I just started my new job, it's packed full of benefits and a great work environment, with friendly, helpful coworkers and generous pay(just about twice the most I've ever made). We're looking for a house, getting a job means that soon I'll have expendable income again and I can finally start my fursuit and invest in stuff to get my art business started, and most exciting our girlfriend Leslie will be moving in in the spring. And WPAFW is this weekend.

And then today. I only got about two hours of sleep, and was in a decisively bitchy mood when I got up, but by the time I made it to work my mood had vastly improved. I finished reading up on the various materials I've been given, wrote some extensive lists of the various art projects I'm working on and how to prioritize them, even bill prioritizing, as I shall soon be able to start paying them all off. I did some filing, and then I got two calls (as I was working I ignored them) and then a text from my hubby informing me that our power was out. Because we haven't received any shut off warnings, (even though we haven't paid since January) we thought it must have been a power outage on account of the high winds.

Not so. We have no money in our bank account right now, an unfortunate fact we were only made aware of last night. The power company claims that they've sent us several shut off warnings, starting in August. Although we've received a bill each month (unfortunately they only seem to come between paychecks and disappear by the time there's money in our account, and the bill requires some 14 digit account number and more to make a payment over the phone or some such) we have had NO notification of an imminent shut off. So the despair began with the voice screaming in my head "What the FUCK?! What THE fuck?!" a`la Burn After Reading, and resisting the urge to break the physical silence with this sentiment, but restrained myself on account of being in the work place. Because I can think of no possible explaination of why these notifications never got to me, as they share the same address as the bills which we have received. The only possible explaination is that someone somewhere, for some bizzare reason, has been stealing/holding our shut off warnings. Hence, WHAT THE FUCK!? Why?! Why would someone do that? What's the point of it?

And of course, we are going to have to pay more than we owe to get the power turned back on. I'm entertaining the thought of just surviving with candle light until we can get moved into a house, but that doesn't exactly help the $80 worth of food that's probably all going to spoil on us. Oh, and did I mention we have no money? Nope, none, not until friday when hopefully my husband's paycheck will be directly deposited. Okay, well, we do have eight dollars or so and the mostly-pennies coin jar, which hopefully/maybe will last as bus fare until Friday. That is, if we have any money Friday. If the direct deposit has not started yet, we won't have any money available until midnight, and even then, we very well might have an overdraft fee charged to our account.

And so, as all of this processed through my brain, my adult mind pulled back the scab my avoidant child mind had tried to cover up. I'm probably not going to WPAFW. I was looking forward to it, eagerly, for months. I told many a friend that I was going, I was planning to showcase my plushies, circulate flyers for my monthly furmeet, meet new people, get reunited with people I met before, and most importanly get more contact's phone numbers to better announce my meets. But now, I probably can't go. It's kind of like being a child told that you get no Christmas (although that would really be more if I wasn't able to go to AnthroCon, WPAFW is more like a birthday, but the sentiment remains)

Oh, and of course before I got the news, my plan for the night was to go home, hop on my computer, finish up a few art pieces (including my most recent edits for my Hyena and Furry plushie patterns) and go to sleep feeling happy and accomplished. But, no, I've been on off bawling in a way I don't think I've bawled since I was a little child.

It's just so shitty, and worst of all is the knowledge that it's all my goddamn fault. Well, mine and whoever the fuck has been stealing my mail. Again, WHAT THE FUCK?!

So, yes, here I am moping again, crying about my problems, whining about my own irresponsibility and procrastination, my inability catch up much less get ahead in life.

03:17 pm: Soo.... s'been awhile...
Well, I would be getting offline about now except my internet tiem keeps getting extended by a little bit at a time as people aren't on the waitinglist at the library right now. As mentioned on my FA and DA, my laptop cord fried, and thus the computer died (it has no battery life). Meaning all my digital art is temporarily inaccessable, so all the art I was working on, the stuff I was ALMOST done with, is gone.

I'm also desperately hoping that people (furries) actually want to show up and party at my house this weekend. I desperately need the pickmeup. Especially because I will FINALLY be starting my new job next Monday. As much as I'm confident I'll be able to do the job, it does take me a little bit to catch onto a routine, and more seriously, new job means surrounded by new people, and new people makes me anxious. It takes time for me to let my guard down and relax around people.

But at least that means that fairly soon I should start raking in a fairly sizeable paycheck. Which means I'll be able to start work on my fursuit. And perhaps get a NEW laptop. And maybe even the internet (though I'm not sure I'll bother given that we're moving out in January and most ISPs want a one year contract.). And we'll be able to do more mundane things like actually pay our bills, pay off some debts, and start to save some money again.

But damn, not having my computer is stressing me out because I had just resolved to start working on some older work, was just about to finish two projects that I would be uploading, and would probably boost my internet popularity for a little bit.

Oh well. Eventually, hopefully I should be able to start making some progress. If I could just update regularly I'm pretty certain I would start to gain a small following, and eventually the commissions will start to trickle in and as they improve my prowess more people will want commissions and eventually it'll get to a point I can increase my commission prices and eventually maybe even not need a real job, and be able to support myself as a full time professional artist and then start saving my way towards veterinary school.

And optomism aside, I'm probably going to start sinking back into depression, at the sight of my messy apartment, thinking about my shitty monetary position, and being all alone in the messy apartment, and any housework I do won't assauge the feeling that I'm not doing my part.

So, if any of you have my phone number call me. Or at least text me. If you don't have my number, it's not hard to find if you look at my posting history, or friends page as I post my number up with my furmeet announcements, and my next furmeet is Saturday. Oh hell, I'll just give it out, telemarketers ho! 661 644 9155.

05:04 pm: Anthrocon fur realz, yo!
Well, I still haven't plummeted into PCD(post con depression) yet, and I'm flying pretty high, I finally feel like a real artist, and my first four badges ever look just as good as any other out there. I really need to work on my new gallery, with work that reflects my current level of skill. Although interestingly enough, the only print I sold all weekend was the "Hounds" picture that I didn't print out real copies of, because I didn't think it was a good enough piece. I feel bad that I didn't take down a whole lot of numbers or email addresses or anything of the like, but I did make sure to hand out lots of business cards (even if my first batch didn't have my current phone number or furaffinity account info). Also the flyers for the PCD party at my place next weekend did get circulated and I met a handful of local furs who have the scoop on the scene, so I should be plugging into a regular group of friends now.

I can't even begin to thank everyone who was so nice and helpful and generous to me at this con, I wouldn't have made it without them all. From Binky and his friends, who are the first "furr-ends" I made out here, to the two guys who gave away food to the starving artists, and naturally Saturday's tablemate FauxPas who fed me almost all day, that kept my energy reserves up to peddling my art, and most importantly to the generous guys (and gal) who let me crash on their hotel room floor friday and saturday nights, even though my phone went off at seven so that I could make it to the artist's alley sign-ups.

I spent most of my time in the artist's alley learning my marketing tactic and what I should be selling, from open to close everyday I sat at my table, through plummeting and bottomed out blood sugar and sleep deprivation, to depression and anxiety (and finally satisfaction) over my sales. I really wonder where next year will take me, I really really wanna go again next year, but I'm not sure if I'll still be living on the same coast. But next time, and there will be a next time, I'll be sure to go in style with a dealer's den table, and an assistant so as to take breaks for events and to browse the wares of my fellow artists.

So whatever the future holds for me exactly, I look forward with rare optimism to future cons, and there are many that were pointed out to me for future scrutiny, and integrating myself into the local furry community.

04:36 pm: Oh friends...
I know I'm a weird, jumpy, closed and kind of antisocial person. I know I enjoy morbid and twisted, 'immoral' humor more than is socially acceptable. I know I veer towards being offensive these days. I know I'm an agoraphobic, geeky, nerdy, wanna-be punk rocker. It's incredibly difficult for me to make friends(even harder to get a job of course). But the real problem, the big major problem for me, are The friends I already have, and whether or not I can call any of them my friends. Hell and damnation.

Part of it's my fault I know but...well, I don't really feel all that close to any of them, and though I would like to... If there's one thing I think I can say happily these days it's that I don't hide behind any masks with people I know. Unfortunately it seems like that's what people want these days. I went through all this mopey stress in the past about people not knowing the 'real' me. Nowadays, I am. I'm all grown up. There are things I would like to try changing about myself, but none of them are contrary to what I really want think or feel. Mostly it's just getting out of my shell, learning to relax, act a little more naturally with people. As it is, I'm usually on edge and keep my mouth shut and stay out of the limelight, except rarely when with a gathering of those few nonjudgmental souls I know.

I suppose the problem I have is that most of my friendships are so passive. I don't get called out and invited to places very often. Of course being agorophobic, literally afraid of going outside, into large open spaces and groups of strange people, well, sometimes even when people do contact me I'm the one who fails my end of the bargain. I'm a bit of a mental case when it comes to people. I might actually have a bit of an unhealthy attachment to my husband. He serves as a comfort object to me, like a lucky rabbits foot or a child's blanket, something to reach out and touch for reassurance. It's not surprising, considering my predilection as a child for stuffed animals which served the exact same purpose.

And, now I've lost this thread of conversation, because I recovered from my crisis mode and have had a good night's sleep.

07:15 pm: I watch the Watchmen
"This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs.

It's us.

Only us."

And while dark, this sums up a great deal about what I feel about the world. Though unlike Rorschach's dismal appraisal I am of the belief that humans are equally capable of good as well as evil. And I don't disbelieve in the existence of a God. I just don't see s/he/it as an entity who intervenes directly, most of the time. People blame god, for all the terrible atrocities, scream and cry and plead and beg for God to punish the evildoers even while solving all of their trivial distresses.

But, it's us, and only us, that control the fate of this world. Whatever God actually is, even as it exists within science, the reason that the rules of the universe exist, and is prevalent within all of us as well as the balance of nature, the responsibility falls to us to decide our own fates.

Humans are animals. And we attempt to deny that, to deny the very things which define us as alive. Not that we should succumb only to our baser instincts and selfish desires. Animals too are capable of altruism, and feats of heroism that amaze us. So too, can we choose to work together on win-win situations rather than taking the path of the lone victor by crushing those others. It's certainly easier to just look out for yourself, and in the short term it is easier and the rewards faster. But, if by some miracle we could work together, the gains would benefit everyone. If we could see that the destruction of the environment isn't just hurting the animals, or the native people. By some absolute stroke of idiocy we don't look at the way we're ensuring our own desctruction, rather than enacting balance, a way to help others and ourselves, we just take the resources while we have them, and only then, when we've used them all up will we start to make issue of it, then, when things are already too late.

And we are all guilty, all evil doers, whether from acts we have done, or more commonly our refusal to do anything. It is much easier to say "I can't afford to donate to charity." and forget about those lives which will end in result. Far easier to blame another for it, "Those starving people should just get a job" or "Well those unwanted pets shouldn't have been bred anyway and shame on breeders."

We could get along, and work out solutions which will work to the benefit of all. We would have to compromise, consider the fact that maybe WE'RE WRONG about something, and that, is what we refuse to see. It is more important to be RIGHT than it is to be happy, or even alive.

09:46 pm: Again, On Polyamory
Repost of my current MySpace Blog

Okay, so I mentioned this on my DA along with my marriage announcement, but I haven't really talked about it. My husband and I are Polyamorous. This means that we believe that love is not a sentiment applicable to only one other person. There are a few groups lumped into the category of polyamory which we personally do not agree with or intend to be participating in. For instance some would say swingers or polygamists count as polyamorous. But that is neither here nor there.

Our theory, or rather our beliefs and intent is that a small intimate group of closely involved individuals can acheive happiness and romantic success, and even financial success in a way that a monogamous couple cannot. Of course, this also presents greater challenges. Many people have trouble being honest with themselves, much less another person. This is the reason most relationships fail, whether it involves a man and a woman, two men, two women, or a number of people. Communication is essential in any kind of relationship, not just romantic ones. Honesty is more important than anything, especially honesty to oneself. If you cannot effectively understand your own needs and desires, how are you to make the right decisions for yourself? Being true to yourself is the most important aspect of life, and without that, you will never be happy, and being thus unhappy, you will likely make others unhappy. Many people are insecure in themselves. They are often uncertain of their own abilities and don't know how to improve their confidence. They would rather pretend and keep up the facade of being 'normal' rather than admit their own flaws or doubts, because sharing the unpleasant may seem less conducive to a positive atmosphere, but unless and until you can resolve your issues, you are not really happy. That being said it is imperitave to take joy in the small things in life, especially in the face of depression and adversity.

Now that is simply the dynamics of figuring out one person's needs and desires. Add another. Insecurities and doubts will multiply, especially when the couple does not SHARE their issues, because even if they mean well, if they are not aware of the problem or even how their attempts to solve a problem they do not sufficiently understand, the situation will not be improved and may well even worsen. And that's just step one. One could go into the method of resolving issues through communication and never finish. It starts with communication, continues with trust and results in teamwork.All these are what makes a relationship succeed or fail. Romantic or otherwise. Especially important is making changes to a relationship, or dissolving it. I hold the opinion that any relationship CAN work, however, not every person is willing to make the sacrifices necessary, and some are so reluctant to end a relationship that it will only continue to be detrimental. Just because you can stay in a relationship, doesn't mean you should. You should never, ever get into a relationship with preconceived notions, and again be honest with yourself, and your partners as to the status of things.

In anycase that's my theory of human social and societal relations. For the polyamory thing. I feel the need to specify, this is not about sexual deviancy. It is not motivated by the intent of trolling around for group sex, or to justify encounters with members of the same sex. It is with the intent to share such love and intimacy as is traditionally unique to marriages. I'm not going to pretend that sex is entirely unrelated, it is something very important to love, romance, and what it means to be human, and again understanding yourself. I consider itsomething sacred, and to share it with those whom you share yourself with is something magical.

Now, I feel I've explained the emotion of the thing as I understand it, here then is the logic. Several people sharing everything they have contributes more than can any one alone. There is a safety in numbers and the wider your support network the more stable is your position. In terms of finances, child raising and chores, sharing responsibility, or any burden mens it is less troublesome to each individual. To me polyamory will result in never being alone again. I think that it will reach a point where there will always be someone I can talk to, or cuddle. There will be someone to count on to lend a hand. If our relationship can expand, maintaining open communication, trust and teamwork then there will be no challenge we can't overcome.

And finally, I would like to show off what I feel to be a very solid document&183; Here below is the marriage contract that my husband and I designed together as a foundation for building our group. You are free to use or edit this contract for your own relationships, and please recommend suggestions if you have any. Building a new form of social relationship is an ongoing process.

CONTRACT OF MARRIAGE

(01) Introduction

This contract represents the agreement for all the undersigned (designated "the pack", for the purposes of this contract) which will be held to in the strictest sense. All rights guaranteed by this contract are contingent on each pack-mates adherence to the rules and restrictions listed herein.

(02) Rights of the Pack:

Each member of the pack has equal say and a right to be heard on all matters concerning the lifestyles, occupations, residences and associations held by each other member. Decisions regarding the pack as a whole are made unanimously, where possible, and some may be made by a majority vote where necessary. Pack-mates are guaranteed a right to voluntary sexual relations with all other members of the pack.

(03) Potential Pack-mates

Potential pack-mates include any person with whom there is romantic/sexual attraction on the part of one or more members of the pack. All such persons, upon meeting are designated as "Stage One", and can be reclassified up or downward through a series of four stages. Movement upward must be a unanimous decision on the part of the pack, while movement downward may be a majority vote. Only under extreme circumstances can a person be reclassified below stage one (or to be cut out from the lives of the pack), and it may only happen under unanimous consensus.

The stages, and the privileges and restrictions which are associated are defined as follows:

Stage One: Platonic Friendship
A stage one new partner is allowed only the most casual of relations with the member(s) of the relationship whom they are trying to court. All indirect forms of communication, such as letters, email, IM, phone calls and text messaging are permitted without restriction. Private audience with a pack-mate is inherently permissible, but may be limited or restricted by a majority vote from the rest of the pack. Acceptable forms of intimate interaction are limited to hugs, and light (lips closed and few seconds) kisses to areas such lips, cheek, wrist and hand. At no time should there be any contact that subverts clothing, such as reaching up/down skirts, shirts, shorts, pants, dresses or other clothing which covers the torso and pelvic area.

Stage Two: Friends with Benefits.
The details of a stage two relationship depend entirely upon the individual and exact permissions granted by the pack as decided as a whole. Every meeting and exchange beyond the parameters of a Stage One interaction must be met with the advance knowledge and permission of the pack. During this stage the pack will most likely grant a greater number of sexually and romantically based privileges as time goes on. These privileges, like the stages themselves, may only be voted upward unanimously, and a majority can impose further restrictions. Sexual restrictions, in this and all other stages, may only be equal to all members of the pack. I.E. The pack may not selectively grant privileges for one pack-mate to sleep with someone but not another.

Stage Three: Committed Dating
At this stage the person is able to freely consort with members of the group without a need to inform the others, although it is not discouraged. This stage is best exemplified by a person who desires a place within the group, but is either removed by distance, or otherwise not quite ready to cohabitate with the group. They are not required to ask permission from group members to see other people, but it is best recommended to inform the group of major decisions. All forms of voluntary sexual relations, with any and all members of the group, are generally permitted for a person of this stage.

Stage Four: Cohabitant
At this stage the partner lives with the rest of the group. S/He is intending on becoming a handfasted member of the pack. This stage could also be called "Engaged" and the partner a "fiancée", in the terms of a more traditional relationship. Before handfasting, the cohabitant is given the right to suggest amendments to this contract, thereby making it more palatable to join the pack permanently. Such amendments, however, may only be passed by a unanimous vote.

Stage Five: Handfasted
In the final stage, the pack-mate becomes married to the rest of the pack. A ceremony is held, the contract is signed and they obtain equal rights to have their say on all pack-related decisions. This is a life-long commitment, and once someone is part of the pack, they are never again to be out of it. Except in the case of divorce (see the clause labeled "Divorce"). Pack-mates may also, at any time, suggest amendments to this contract (see "Amendments" clause for further detail).

(04) Rules and Regulations

The pack are to be totally honest with one another at all times, and on the same token all pack-mates are to do their best to be open and understanding to hearing the truth from the others.
Under most circumstances, pack-mates should inform at least one other member of their whereabouts.
A pack-mate who violates the contract must inform the rest of the pack as soon as possible and accept any consequences levied against him/her as a result. (Such consequences are defined in the clause labeled "Punishment")
All property and funds are communal, unless otherwise agreed upon by the rest of the pack. All purchases over $25 USD must be reported to one or more members of the pack. Major expenses must also be agreed upon by a majority vote from the pack.
All responsibilities in household tasks are to be delegated by the pack. Failure to complete these tasks is considered a contractual violation. Such delegation is decided by majority vote.
Pack-mates retain a right to call, at any time, a pack meeting for the purposes of holding a vote or re-vote on any issue.

(05) Amendments

Any amendment made by the pack to this contract will constitute the disposal of the old contract, and a signing of the newly updated document&183; Amendments may only be passed by a unanimous decision.
At every handfasting ceremony a new contract is printed and signed by all members (while the old one is disposed of). Prior to a handfasting ceremony there will always be a meeting of the pack, along with the fiancée, regarding amendments to the contract.

(06) Divorce

Divorce from the pack requires a unanimous decision (with the exception of the divorcee). This decision may only be made in the case of a gross violation of this contract. So long as the contract is not violated a decision for divorce may NOT be made by the pack. However, if a pack-mate chooses to remove him/herself from the pack no vote is necessary. If a pack-mate is forced out of the pack, the divorcee still retains property rights in the total of an equal monetary share of the total holdings of the pack. Pack-mates who choose to leave the pack voluntarily are not entitled to retain ownership of any communal property. In the case of any divorce, this contract is nullified and a new one must be printed and signed by the remaining pack-mates.

(07) Punishment

Violations of this contract may lead to a restriction of rights levied by the rest of the pack. Punishments may include the temporary suspension of any right bestowed upon pack-mates, or the addition of greater domestic responsibilities for a period of time not exceeding sixty days. Punishments may only be meted out by a majority vote from the pack (excluding the one receiving the punishment).

(08) Closing

The undersigned agree to this contract, in full, of their own free will and in the presence of signed witnesses. This contract may only be dissolved in the case of unanimous agreement on the part of all undersigned.

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01:07 pm: I wrote this awhile back, but didn't post it because I ended up having a short period of romance-based depression myself and would have felt hypocritical posting it, though the tenents still remain. The thing about depression is that it is an emotion and emotions are separate entities than logic and reason.

Everyone knows the saying that if you can’t be happy while you’re single, you probably won’t be happy even in a relationship. The problem is, some people can’t find a way to get past that. At this stage of my life, someone might accuse me of not knowing what I’m talking about, as I am now happily married. While that may be so, I have suffered depression since I was seven years old. Depression is generally NOT the disease, but rather a symptom(of many things, some times as simple as nutrition or hormones, more often about life in general like a stressful work environment, or living situation), and people don’t always seem to make that distinction. I hear all too often people using their depression as an excuse to remain miserable. It is very tough to break a depressive funk, and if you’re suffering you often need help, but overall, you have to make the decision to reach out, and more importantly carry your own weight in the situation. There is no magic answer and depending on someone else to solve your problems won’t do anything. The most another person can do for you is to listen, give you a hug or a shoulder to cry on, and most importantly force you out of your comfort zone.

Therapy can help, and a good therapist can teach you new habits to form, as well as listening carefully to what you’re saying and knowing exactly what that means about your subconscious. It’s often as simple as trying to figure out what you really want and need in your life. Just like some people get a misplaced urge to have children when all they really want is a pet, sometimes we find ourselves in situations that just seem a dead end, and even though we strive so hard to reach these goals, we don’t really know why we’re doing it. Oftentimes, we’re just insecure, and the uncertainty leads to doubt, and we become so clouded by our own doubt that we no longer see the good. This is the hardest thing to overcome, breaking negative thought cycles. I still haven’t mastered it myself, but I do know what helps me is just doing something I can see a positive result from. Whether helping someone in need or finishing a new art project, or doing some house cleaning, there are a plethora of little things you can do every day that will make the big problems finally seem manageable, and more importantly remind you that you matter, and that you are capable of good things. The struggle of finding your place in the world haunts many, and not just young people still emerging, but even people who’ve been alive for decades still don’t know why they do what they’re doing, or what it is that they really want or need. Some people hang onto negative emotion their whole lives, so caught up in what could have been, or could be, that they refuse to see things as they are, because they are so overwhelmed that they can’t see that it’s not insurmountable, and they CAN move on to better days.

And onto love, I will fully admit, I have not been in too many romantic relationships, but for the very simple reason that I’ve always held high standards and known what I was looking for. I am slow to trust people because I analyze them critically. At the same time, I am the best friend I can be to them, and I am always there if I can. I’ve learned to identify problems before they can ever arise. In high school, I was not chronically single out of necessity, virtually every male friend I had professed a desire to date me, sometimes even so far as to claim I was the only woman they could ever love. The problem was, they did not know what they were talking about. I am certain that they felt genuine, and I had felt similar affections for a few boys in my time, but for this sentiment to have any basis, love has to be mutual, or it’s not love. All too often, people are so caught up in the desire to love, that they forget what it is supposed to mean, and will settle for the nearest facsimile they can find. This is why so many young couples divorce in their first year or why people tolerate abusive relationships. I cannot understand this myself, as my fight or flight instinct carries a hair-trigger, truthfully to the point of neurosis. But at the same time, logic plays a huge part, don’t be so eager to have a relationship that you don’t consider the motives and impression that the other person has of you. If you’re a quiet person, be prepared to expect that people may think you to be a pushover, and especially those who respond to their own insecurities with ego. Even if they might be a nice person, and only want what you do in terms of their happy ending, that journey is the real thing to consider.

A relationship is an ongoing process, and not an easy one. I am fortunately half of one of ‘those’ couples that people tend to secretly despise simple because of it’s seemingly magical happiness. I assure you it is not always smiles and rainbows, however we are certainly a very happy, functional and affectionate pair. The most important reason we are so well off? Comunication. Although it’s always mentioned as the most important thing, it’s often the first thing that goes wrong. If you can’t communicate effectively no one can help you. As I often mention when talking of the intricacies of polyamory, people have trouble enough being honest with themselves, much less another person. This is the most obvious reason why you have to be happy as a single person before you can hope to have a functional relationship.

Second, once effectively communicated it takes significant understanding and compromise on the part of all parties. You have to work with each other. No one is perfect and everyone will have flaws, and will occasionally drive you crazy.

Human contact is important, we are social creatures, and the stress of isolation will drive a person crazy quick, which is a likely factor on why so many people are so desperate for romance. The feelings that love inspire don’t differ in the way they feel in my heart, whether I am yearning for my mom, my husband, my brother, old friends or my dog, the tugs on my heartstrings don’t differ. Certainly the way that I love them is quite different in expression, but the feeling in my heart is the same. One of the most regular expressions I find in my old journals was the ever-present feeling of loneliness. When single it might be tempting to take this as proof that we need a partner, but really what we need is a confidant, or several, people with whom you can talk freely, and the need for physical contact does wonders to help balance the overwhelming depression. The thing I have to stress though it does have to be PEOPLE not a single person, because no one should be expected to carry another’s burden alone. If nothing else, it’s irresponsible of the one not pulling their own weight.

Lastly, let love come to you. To use another cliché, beggars can’t be choosers. And if you want to be in a happy relationship, have some self-respect, and don’t settle. At the same time don’t drive people away by being too judgmental. Get to know someone before you commit yourself to them. In fact, get to know as many people as you can, and one of them just might surprise you. Even if you secretly find someone completely obnoxious, still try to be nice to them, don’t drive them away or consider them not good enough to hang around you. Treat every other person they way you want them to treat you. If you cannot lead and set a strong example, than any demands and expectations you have of another person mean nothing if you are unwilling to carry them out yourself. Words alone mean nothing if your actions do not match. I cannot impress strongly enough that actions are everything. There’s a couple quotes I’ve heard that sums this concept up best. Aristotle says “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit”

But, this quote by an unknown author best explains the process.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

01:03 am: Drunken Typing For the win!!!!!!11
IO ndon't even know why I am bothering other than that I like being drunk. I don't get driunk often but when I do it for good times. I drank alot i think, and next week is big 21 so thids is really justy a warmup. I haven't puked yet so it's all good. The key board is way more interesting this way is like a game and such. U nI have herpes though so no fantastic makingsout like that one time. I don't thinkI been this drunk before. I need to [piss,jBack btter can't see the key board cause my glasses and computerscreen is off andd it's coldish sometimes, mostly warm but little shivvers make typing hharder. I know my typing is terrible butm, I dun really wanna rfix itl. _-Plus I seel it less and less as I gol, the chugging of mIKES Heeard teA was too much. aRIGHT i GOTTA GO.

11:07 pm: I don't even know...
*sigh* Okay... I dunno where to start this time. I made this account in response to someone requesting more joinees to their community. Then I decided to make it a place I could post things without censoring my mind, because no one I knew in my daily life knew about this place. Then around January or February I decided that I wanted to stop hiding what I really thought about things and made a public notice on my DA account about this journal. It's worked pretty well, not very many comments, but at the same time no feel that things posted here would have any negative effect. It became a place for philosophical musings, but also, more importantly a place for me to rant, a safe place, where no one ever went to put me down. That changed shortly after my last post.

Ranting is very therapeutic for me, because I unleash all the things I feel, even if I know I don't mean it all. Afterwards I achieve a heightened sense of ease. I feel more clear-headed, and less worked up, because I have shed all that pent up aggression. Last weekend was very stressful for me, and releasing that rant made me feel more balanced than I had for awhile. I felt good enough that I even felt able to finally tackle continuing the one-sided argument brewing with Jeni. I was about halfway through that post when Q got a phone call from the ex-girlfriend I had been ranting about. She had read my post.

I get so worked up about that, even still that I start trembling, it could be just that I'm cold tonight, but I think that the fact I'm feeling cold and shivering is a direct result of being off mentally. On one hand, yes, this is a completely public journal I know, but, somewhere along the lines I didn't take into account that there was a chance that someone I didn't want to read it would come along. Hell, I didn't even think that there was anyone I didn't want reading my blog, even the ex I was planning to give a link to my expose` post, so she could maybe understand me a little better. But... when I found out she had managed to dig up and track down my blog... Q and I disagree here, because after all it IS a Public journal, and he has no qualms with looking up and reading every detail of a person posted online. To me, it's like reading someone's diary, because they have forgotten and left it open on the desk when they left the room.

I do feel greatly disturbed and that my privacy has been invaded. Because it's not like I openly tell everyone "Hey look at my LJ I talk about messed up things there!" I announced it once, and it has since been buried by other posts on my da. This means she had to actively dig through my business in order to find that post to get upset over. While on one hand I almost feel bad that she read it, because I don't necessarily mean half the stuff in there, I didn't post it up just to attack her either. Hell, ... Q says I should just talk to her. A part of me agrees, but, at the same time, my pride and my depression both ask "what's the point? I've tried talking to her before, she doesn't listen, why waste the energy?"

I don't feel like she has any intention of making things right between me and her. I feel like she could care less about me or how I feel and that she's just waiting around for me to screw up again so she can shout about what a bitch I am. Make me the problem instead of her. It'd be a lot more convenient for her than owning up to her own problems. She wants to have Q back, just like things were before. That's not going to happen. Not until she gets over that want at least. As long as she keeps depending on other people and expecting them to make her problems better, she's dangerous. I consider her an active threat. She has hurt me, and hurt Q, repeatedly and doesn't seem to have any remorse for her actions. She doesn't seem to think anything she has done has ever been wrong or unacceptable, it's as if she feels that everything she does is perfectly normal, or that she's entitled to it.

I don't trust her. Not at all. I'm suspicious of her every action, because I don't think she has anyone's best interests at heart, not even her own. She's so muddled in the head she just acts without thinking ever. Could just be the fact I am the only daughter of a twice-divorced mother. Men are stupid horndogs, but women, women are evil heinous manipulative bitches. Oh and crazy as fuck. So, I'm pretty considerably paranoid of people in general. Sometimes my trust is earned almost effortlessly, but cross me or mine once, and you're going to have to work to redeem yourself. She's put a special effort into driving me to my worst. There is only one person as deep on my shit-list as she is.

Patty Phenolio was the hellacious bitch of a social worker who made sure to tell my mom what a shitty parent she was and how she would never see us again, trying to prove my mom suicidal, abusive or some other unacceptable thing, always turning a blind eye to anything my aunt and uncle did, though they psychologically fucked me over in a way my mom would never have been capable of. Before we were taken away, our mom was amazingly together with it as a single mother of four, struggling to make ends meet in the face of harship, sleeping two hours a night, working three jobs, and coping with the fact that her oldest child was living with a terminal illness and was in and out of the hospital. My mom's always been a little odd, but social services and Patty Phenolio turned her into an absolute basketcase.

And if that weren't enough to have on my mind, I am considering breaking off the longest friendship I've ever had. Why? Because I can't stand her attitude. I know I'm over sensitive, but... it just feels like all she ever does is act like I don't know anything, she makes me feel like a stupid immature child, and then denies she ever does such a thing. She justifies it by saying she does it to everyone else, and they don't throw a fuss about it. Which isn't quite true, last I heard relations with her sister were tense. She won't listen, she can't admit she's wrong, and the very bottom line, the worst of it all, is she can't even consider the concept that her ideas aren't the only right ones. If we had met at this point in my life, we would never have become friends. And she sees no problem with the fact that she still treats me like I'm twelve, and she knows better. At this point, I think it may be safe to say I've matured more than she has, because she hasn't changed much in the time I've known her, it's just that traits like that aren't as obvious when you have no reason to conflict over anything. And now, I feel like we just can't talk about anything with out her giving me the third degree about everything I do.

I'm also anxious about other things in my personal life, I still feel pretty homesick from time to time, I really am so far away from everything familiar to me. We've finally gotten our own apartment so maybe I'll feel a little better after we get unpacked and organized, turning it into our home, but in the meantime, I feel like I'm just living day to day. And I miss people, I feel like I don't have many friends anymore, and all of them are so far away, so few and far between, and I'm not sure how close they really are in the emotional sense. I don't know who I really matter to, if anyone. I've kept myself at such a distance from people for so long... I don't know if they've had the chance to close that, even if I think of them often and miss them frequently.

I'm getting married in a little over two weeks. Nothing's ready. I don't even know who is coming, or how, or when they intend on getting here. Where will they stay? What about food and drink, music, photography or whatever? And all the second guessing from other people telling me I'm too young, or too impulsive, too rash, and that we haven't been together long enough to decide we want to be together bothers me, as does my anger problems when they surface, because that anger is so very very ugly, and a part of me that I have to learn to deal with, and live with and accept, learn how to channel and handle it.

And then, days after the wedding, I'm going away to school. Although we'll be living a lot closer together than we did when we met, and every weekend is a three day, with breaks and it's all finished in April, we will have to spend a lot of time apart, and I will really be isolated from everyone I know and love for awhile at a time, and Q's dad has also warned that during winter roads to my school will very likely close up due to weather.

There's always the financial worries, the 'what if' scenarios, whether we'll have enough ready when we need it, much less spending on anything fun. Our biggest expenses are food, gas and parking fees, but those should be greatly lowered by us moving into our own place, much closer to town and is only a bus ride away taking away the gas and parking, and food will be much cheaper with our own fridge to store food in, rather than needing to eat out all the time because the fridge isn't stocked. Not to mention, 80 minutes a day commuting is ridiculous.

And you would think all these personal issues were enough for me to worry about, lemme get started into politics. I don't even know what to do anymore. Ron Paul has officially dropped out of the race for Republican Nominee, and has unfortunately proven himself as an idealist rather than a leader. But he hasn't officially backed anyone else who's still running(I'm thinking of the third parties when saying this, I'd have to shoot myself if he endorsed one of the major candidates), so while I'm still voting for him in November, I have to wonder what the rest of the movement is planning to do, and if there will be any effect at all.

And I have to bitch about the major party candidates. Can someone explain how they are fundamentally different at all at this point. Both will support War with Iran, Universal Healthcare, and Offshore Drilling. Unfortunately since they're both saying the same thing, people can only contrast the experienced vs youthful debate and Obama is showing himself less competent every day, following the example of Kerry and trying so hard to please everyone that he will gain no one's faith, if anyone who knows what he stands for now has any left in him.

I don't want a President McCain, I would gladly assassinate the man myself if it would do any good. But there are several draw backs that are the only thing holding me back, the details of the assassination itself I imagine wouldn't be too impossible considering the number of successful snipings, but the problem is, an attack on the president would undoubtedly be labeled a terrorist attack and make the perfect excuse to declare martial law, I highly doubt that it would be revealed that the sniper was an american citizen and instead painted as an islamic radical. Meanwhile I'd be in GitMo without legal representation going mad in solitary confinement, likely suffering additional abuse and torture while no one knew anything about it. And worst of all, even if McCain died, someone no doubt just as rotten would take his place.

Now, that's some pretty inflammatory speech there, but let me explain to you just why I have such a grudge against McCain. He is quite probably seriously mentally disturbed as a direct result of having been a POW for 5 years in hostile captivity. I believe the man a violent xenophobe, and the ease with which he cracks jokes about killing the Iranians horrifies me. He shows no consideration at all for the men dying in this pointless war in Iraq, and he will happily send more troops into war to die, that big self righteous shit-eating grin in place. I was disgusted by the wanton tossing of human life into the bullet fire to begin with, but now it's personal. My little brother has enlisted. I don't want him dying in some fucking fat rich pig's war over petty material items. Anyone who thinks that this war has nothing to do with oil and believes we're doing this 'for the good of the Iraqi people" is seriously deluded, there's a plan for a large oil pipeline and several millitary bases to be permanently installed in Iraq. Already we have troops overseas in over 130 countries. We spend ridiculous amounts of money to sustain this military industrial complex while our economy is collapsing, as much as everyone's denying that we're in any kind of recession.

No one wants to talk about it, no one wants to hear about what's going on. And I'm left here wondering what I can do about it. No one listens to me, I am one small voice and I'm not all that well versed in this sort of thing, but even I can see the folly of the Federal Reserve printing new money all willy-nilly, am I the only person who remembers seeing 1930's germany in history textbooks with the people hauling wheelbarrows full of cash just to buy a single loaf of bread? Am I the only one who realizes that was one of the primary reasons the Third Reich was able to seize control of what had been one of the most progressive countries of it's time? It's been documented, time and time again, people are talking about it, so why is it that no one ever seems to hear?

06:56 pm: Bitching about the bitch again.
Had to deal with Q's crazy bitch of an ex again last weekend. Things between me and Q are cool and things are getting better than ever, but I think I gotta start a little earlier in last week on what has caused the ups and downs of late.

There's a girl Q met on OKC before I moved out here. She's nice enough. It's awkward as hell trying to figure myself out around her though. Because in the time before I moved out here, she and Q had gotten somewhat intimate (slightly more than allowed and although I was pissed when I found out about it because he hadn't told me immediately, he's been forgiven that transgression, this time, there will not be a next time) and then he introduced her to his friend, whom she hit it off with, and although Q warned her said friend was very serious, she ended up dating him regardless though didn't tell Q anything for a week.

In any case, when I met her, she was kind of a non-entity, Q'd liked her and she'd hurt him by not telling him that she was now dating someone else, by that time she was in my perception simply dating someone else. Dude she was dating is a total dick, and their relationship was terrible, as Q'd warned her. In any case I never really had the chance or felt the need to get to know her particularly well, it didn't seem likely that even when she broke up with the dick that we would be getting involved with her because the dick was crazy.

Well, she finally dumped him last week, and we were all very supportive of her. Then comforting her a second night, Q ... well he seems to have some stupid response that sexing things up helps a girl who is depressed. Apparently it's worked out pretty well in the past, but, well...It comes back to being awkward about her. At the time, although I knew I was bothered about the intensity between her and Q, I couldn't quite get myself to admit anything was wrong, because I didn't know WHY I felt the way I did, and because I still felt that it would be wrong of me to interrupt what I felt was an existing relationship between them. In any case before anything went too far we needed to go home for there was work in the morning.

I pondered the events for awhile, mulling over this topic, knowing I needed to deal with that before I even took time to indulge letting off a little steam about the anxiety over the fact I knew I would have to put up with the crazy ex at the end of the week and I wasn't sure how.

Finally I figured out what was going on in my own head and exactly what I needed to say. The whole day, I tried to find a way of broaching the subject, but couldn't get the words out of my throat, putting it off over and over again. Finally the next day I typed it out and got Q to read it. There was a good discussion, and I finally had it click into place that I am the most important person to him right now. I hadn't felt important enough before that I could have said anything, and I felt all the more the fool that I'd put myself through such irritation when I could have simply said "I'm not okay." and it would have been over. So that was out of the way.

Then the ex decided to show up early. It was 'just to dye her hair' like she'd used to do with Q. We'd figured the hair dying would take half an hour or so max. Then we were going to go pick up the other girl I've mentioned, whom I could now face with an honest conscience. If only it had gone that way. The hairdying took longer than expected so we couldn't give the friend a ride home, and then the ex lingered, for hours. She'd finally started to act slightly more civil to me, after a long explaination from Q, and was no longer treating me as if I wasn't there at all, to only ignoring me when I was quiet. It got late and all were hungry. I think at that point I was already starting to feel she'd been around too long, but I was hungry too so we decided to head to EatNPark.

Maybe things would have gone more smoothly if we hadn't gotten rolled by a cop. He gave Q a bogus ticket for driving without a valid license, when Q'd explained he HAD a valid CA License, just didn't have it on him at that moment, and had provided the expired license only when the cop had asked for alternate ID. Also, we didn't really run the stop sign, though it was likely a short or even slightly rolling stop. In anycase, for the third or fourth time Q and I've been pulled over I had to drive. I'd never driven our new huge monster of a van, and already it was late and I was getting anxious that I was going to freak out. All day I'd been anxious about having to deal with the ex because I DIDN'T WANT TO FREAK OUT AGAIN! Now, I had that anxiety, was high strung from being so tired, AND afraid that I would get in an accident with the van because I wasn't used to the way it handled.

Naturally we made it there mostly without incident, though I made no attempt to hide how freaked out I was about driving, and Q was trying to soothe me, and I had no idea where I was supposed to be going. (Imagine Tweak from South Park if you will, that's me anxious) The dinner went fairly well, I finished first and the others seemed to want to linger, I just wanted to go home and sleep at this point. And then she made a comment about him lying to her. Immediately I had to put my drink to my mouth and swallow to avoid speaking because I knew exactly where this train of conversation would lead and knew I couldn't keep my mouth shut over it. I excused myself to the bathroom. I calmed down pretty good, and felt more composed exiting, feeling that the danger zone MUST have passed. Unfortunately I walked right in on the meat of it, the thing that had been bothering me. She was accusing (well technically only him) us of having been intentionally keeping her out of the fact that we'd gotten engaged. Defensively I insisted "You didn't give us any choice" and tried to explain that her behavior that weekend, particularly when she'd thrown a fit because I showed the slightest amount of intimacy with Q. She said something about she'd gone through something traumatic or something because she'd just been dumped. I could only dignify that with a snort and "So what, I've been single before." Q interjected with an accusation to me that "This was a civil conversation until you sat down." I had to stand up and walk out because I was about to start punching people. As I left that fucking bitch called out "Have fun hitting the van again" Fucking bitch does not realize how good my self control is. She has this stupid misconception that there is no difference between my motivations in beating on the van until my knuckles bled, and her self harming. See, if you tease a self-harmer for cutting, they get sad and cry, teasing someone who is having violent fantasies about beating you into a pulp? That's a good way to get yourself killed. It took every ounce of will I had to respond with "You aren't important enough to me." and continue to leave. She said something about "Maybe I should just kill myself" as if that would have some sort of effect on me. I think I even laughed at that as I muttered "Your decision." and walked out to the van, where I could effectively seethe for awhile.

Whilst talking with Q that afternoon I'd told him I was so anxious because I was afraid I would fuck things up by losing my temper. He'd told me "If you don't want to, then it won't be your fault, because you won't be in control of yourself." Instead, he'd gotten pissed off at me when I lost my temper, and then when he came out to see me, accused me a little more, I almost decked him at several moments and I was so pissed off he looked scared. I tried to explain to him what he was doing to me, why I was freaking out so badly, so angry that my whole body was shaking and I lashed out and hit a few things after he'd say things. As per the norm, I got left in the van for a long while after that, as he talked to her, I sent several bitter angry texts to him over the course of the time, eventually moving to the front of the car and curling into an angry ball wanting to go home.

Luckily she didn't say anything more to me on the ride back and I didn't say anything to anyone. When we got home, I went upstairs, got in bed, waited for awhile, accepted I couldn't sleep without Q, and when downstairs, shared events with his mom and vented some, breaking down into just a sobbing and distraught ball. The ex left, which made me feel a little better, but not very much. I was so upset that when Q walked in the first thing I said between tears was "Maybe I should just give up and go back home." Because at that moment I just felt so homesick and lonely, I couldn't think about anything other than the fact I don't have any of my own friends out here. His absolutely agonized cry of "You're leaving me?" Snapped me out of my pity party, and I realized exactly what he thought when I said that and how much that is the last thing I could ever want to happen.

We patched things together, he explained that he'd been outlining things with her and getting her to understand what she had done wrong, because she's never shown any sign of thinking anything she's done wasn't completely acceptable(and that's a huge part of the anger I feel towards her). Apparently she's thinking about writing a letter to me, as I did to her, apologizing and sharing her side of things. I'm waiting to see it, because until then I can do nothing but conjecture based upon my interpretation of events. The next morning however, when faced with the fact I didn't think it would be a good idea for us to be in the same car as one another she started bitching about what a bitch I was and how she didn't even know if she wanted to write a letter anymore because she'd driven 400 miles and didn't think she'd be awake enough to drive herself, and she hadn't slept well and she'd miss the show because of me. Taking things completely to some crazed accusative end, to make everything sound like my fault.

I acquiesced to her request and Q managed to explain to her that the only reason I'd said that I didn't want to do the car ride was because I DIDN'T WANT TO FREAK OUT AGAIN! Because I don't WANT to hurt her feelings and attack her. She pisses me the fuck off and I think she needs to grow up and deal with her problems, but I'm not scheming some ridiculous plot to make her miserable and make it so she never sees Q again (she probably thinks that because that's exactly what she's trying to do to me, or so I think). I was so stressed out and panicking before she showed up that I was a mess of tears and I had to use someone else's drugs in order to cope with the anxiety I was having. And upon finding out that I'd had to smoke pot to do this, she became a further judgmental bitch. Which naturally pissed me off, but, being stoned, the rage didn't make it from my mind to my body to say anything. The whole ride out there was like that. My mind was functioning fine, and I was still as pissed off and bitter at her as ever, the difference was that I could keep my mouth shut in the face of it all. The effects started to wear off as we arrived, and I started to feel as much and having to force myself to keep quiet and stay away from her. It was around that time that the realization hit me that we weren't just giving her a ride TO the show, and that unless and until her friends showed up she was going to keep sticking to Q like glue and not giving me any time to cool off.

She got on her judgmental high horse again when Q gave me some vodka inside. It was terrible vodka and gave me an upset stomach without having any noticeable effect upon me. After awhile I felt a panic attack starting to build because of the anxiety she'd built up inside me reacting to the huge crowd of people milling around me, and deafening me with their senseless noise. I'm told she was acting dismissive, I think motivated over the shit I gave her for throwing her fit in DC, although avoiding a panic attack in a dark night club and sobbing ones eyes out in broad daylight on a busy street corner aren't anywhere in the same category.

Q's inventive thinking actually made my panic attack vanish for the remainder of the night. I think somehow he's finally managed to get it inside me that at least he won't surrender me to the mob I fear. He would protect me against the ex if she attacked me, he would protect me. I think this means without question my panic attacks are going to start becoming fewer, further between, and less severe. There was one more stupid moment on her part where she insisted she wanted to go to the mosh, and when Q hesitated because he knows that I don't mix well with being stuffed into a crush of people, she made the most accusative "Oh, because I'm the fifth wheel" (regarding the fact her friend had brought his girlfriend and so she was the only single person amongst us.) Both of us were annoyed by that, acting out against couples because you're bitter about being single, is ridiculously infantile.

Despite her residual bitchiness I think she is starting to be able to pretend to be nice to me. She did offer me a glow bracelet, and that's a good start for a symbol of peace. I managed to keep myself distant from her, even if only in my mind as the night grew later and my usual late-night tired instability began to crop up, and slept in the car to avoid it even more effectively. The night actually managed to pass without incident.

The next day, she called because she couldn't find her brush, and it was her only brush and she just bought it, and she thought she left it in the car(I really have to wonder if that wasn't intentional). I needed to go get things out of the van anyway so I went and found it, and she arranged to come over "just to pick up her brush." I avoided her all day because I was still too tired and bitter to handle her while I was sober. Q checked in on me several times to make sure I was okay and that he wasn't doing anything wrong, even though I did explain every time I'd left by choice because I just didn't want to be around her, and he wasn't abandoning me(I'm still very very grateful that he did so). Eventually his mom came up and checked on me and was going to take me out to eat. We passed the two of them on the front step as we left and Q inadvertently invited them along (he realized that mistake almost immediately), but not wanting to be the bitch, I allowed it. I managed to keep myself in my head for the meal and talk civilly without touching anything volatile. (Even though I almost wanted to incite something when she commented "Oh wow, I hadn't realize it's been 2 and a half hours already." Like hell she didn't. I don't believe for a moment she had any plan to 'just pick up her brush' or 'just dye her hair' the day before). She hung around awhile longer, trying to draw things out as long as possible before her inevitable trip home. I suppose I could understand that to a point, but I think she knew she really wasn't all that welcome by the majority by the house, Q's mom and stepdad have both taken my side in regards to events. It feels good to know that they've come to care about me. I wasn't very certain before, I don't have very well developed manners, as I've mentioned before, and those are considered much more important on this side of the country.

So, things seem to be good now, Q has exhausted every point that needs to be made to her. Every effort to get her back into the good graces has been made. Now we just wait for her move. If she does well, very good because I don't WANT to be mad at her, the violently angry fantasies I've been having of late and the boiling rage surfacing is NOT healthy for me, mentally, emotionally, or pysically, once she gets herself off that shit list, I can release that anger in ways that aren't directed towards anyone and let me see exactly why I have so much anger buried under the surface, without my irritability towards her clouding my thoughts. If she fucks up again, Q will have to give her up, because at that point she will be completely without hope. If she breaks us up, he will never speak to her again. I'm not sure if she takes him seriously enough about that, and I fully still suspect she's going to try to find some way to try and get me to a point where it seems like the problem stems from my actions instead of hers, but I don't think she can do that, and I know that at that point, if she is openly hostile in any sort of way like that, she will have ruined everything good in her life. I would be disappointed if she killed herself, but I know that Q and I have no responsibility for her actions, we've tried everything possible to get this situation to work, and time after time, although we have all made mistakes here and there, it's overwhelmingly been her actions that have destroyed things.

There was a comment made that she just wants her friendship with Q to be as intimate as it used to be (ie sex w/him) but she can't get that without my approval, and she has to convince me that she would be satisfied with that. I don't believe it for a minute. The only reason the relationship they had ever held that status was because they never really saw each other more than once a year, and in the meantime she was with some asshole that treated her like shit. She's the kind of stupidly naive girl who believes that she could change a man's mind, that she could make him fall in love with her and only her and they would live happily ever after. What she really needs, is to learn to live happily on her own, how to be content being single, and realizing that she doesn't NEED someone to be happy.

Anyway I think I am sufficiently vented though I'm still going to be a little off until this situation can finally come to a head.

In other news, I'm almost 100% accepted into school, we'll be moving into our own apartment this weekend, and I can start having time to do art and the like.

08:59 pm: So, I'm getting hitched...
Despite my ranting last time, things are actually just fine between me and my lover, in fact a week or so before said rant we had decided it was time to tie the knot. Literally. We will be having a traditional celtic/pagan handfasting ceremony on the 28th of August, and a year and a day from that we will have a second ceremony symbolizing our keeping of those vows, and it is that second ceremony that will have a more official setting with invitations and all that jazz. For the first one, a select few have been invited and the event will be very private and special.

So what spurred this decision, especially because I've been telling people "No, we feel like we're still so young/not ready" etc. Well... I was kinda going along with that because it was pressure free. So, when Q spoke up after we were having a conversation of our relationship status with a friend that "I've been thinking we need some sort of ceremony" I had no qualms. People keep insisting that things will change and all that, but really, I don't think so. In our minds and hearts I think we already have been as bonded as is possible, the ceremony is just an outward expression of that bond. The second ceremony will be a further reaffirmation that we have kept those vows to one another.

The other important purpose it will play is in future relationships, as we meet and mingle with other people searching for possible new partners, we decided that we need a way to determine what steps will be taken to acknowledge their status within the group. It's one thing when we are just dating new people, really just out for a good time, but it will be another thing entirely when we meet someone that we decide we would also desire to spend the rest of our lives with. That is when they become a true mate to us, and that is when we will have another handfasting ritual.

07:39 pm: Maryland Stinks.
Literally at several points during our long trip this weekend foul stenches would drift in from around the Maryland countryside. Also the roads are ill-marked and confusing. We got lost several times, even with many sets of directions. I suppose I'd be bothered less by it if the whole week prior hadn't been such a mess.

A friend of a friend killed himself last Monday so Q and I spent most of the week consoling our mutual friend. Then another friend of ours threatened to kill herself Thursday so we had to go console her too. At the same time, someone was on vacation at work so we had to be in early every morning. Friday night we had to gather stuff for our trip rather abruptly so that we could leave early enough not to arrive too terribly late at our destination. We still didn't. Q had a panic attack in the car, and lashed out a bit which sent me into a breakdown mode, and my own emotions have been imbalanced since a week and a half ago in addition to even tenser moodiness brought on by pms, and of course the tiredness. We calmed down a bit but got lost several times on the way and I think it was near 2 am when we got in.

We'd been planning on staying in a hotel or maybe a campground with other people participating in the Revolution March. Instead Q's ex-girlfriend seemed to finally be working through her neurotic issues about me and invited us over. I've been trying to be nice to her since the beginning and my every attempt is shot down. I got fed up with it last time and resolved that I'm not going to act like I'm not there so she can have all the time alone time with my boyfriend. I've had no problems with her being friends with him. The only problem I had is that she's been nothing but an utterly avoidant bitch towards me(oh and I'm still convinced she's a man-theiving whore. I beleive she would do anything necessary to take him away from me, because she wants him all to herself, regardless of what it would do to anyone else). I've let her have space and didn't call her out, even when she threw a temper tantrum at the march. As the night wore longer and my moodiness grew with barely contained rage and growing exhaustion, my limits were wearing thin and I was struggling just to remain civil. The hookah bar she chose set off the anxiety I hadn't been able to release, and for the first time in my life my panic response went to fight instead of flight. I'm still not sure how to deal with that anger, I don't usually get mad, I get coldly rational, or at least try to. So to keep myself from flipping out and punching someone who didn't really deserve this wrath that I don't even know the reason for, I went to the bathroom, and hit myself in the leg until I started sobbing from the pain, and gave myself a few body blows for good measure. This shifted my mindframe from mad to sad. And my sad response won't get anyone hurt.

However it was a very temporary fix. I was seething inside again in no time. We got back to her apartment and no one was ready to sleep. I was too keyed up, despite my pounding headache, that had been persistent for a few days. However me and Q had been right about to talk, so I could let out steam when she came back out to join us. Things were tense. I wasn't ready to talk, and if she could talk she wouldn't be in such a psychotic state as she is. In anycase, Q made the major mistake of assuming that it was time to broach the uncomfortable subject of what was going on between all of us. It was a very very bad idea. I lost my temper for the first time in five years and with a passion I've never experienced before. I stormed out of the room before I let it overwhelm me completely and I paced across ragged asphalt that abraded my bare feet. Rage has no time for shoes. I cursed and swore, hit myself some more, the the van a lot, kicked it some. Seethed and raged.

Q came out nervously and called me in. I calmed myself slightly and I'd thought he'd gotten her to a calm point and we were to talk. As I entered the building and apartment I found out instead that she had cut herself and the deepest she had ever cut. Infuriated, because she just lived up to the accusation I'd made that she needed to stop playing the victim, I called her out on it again. Apparently I was shouting though I'd thought it was calmer, more disappointed, disgusted and venomous. I probably should have waited until after dispensing my medical opinion that she would be fine, just keep pressure on it to limit the bleeding and get to a hospital for stitches. Instead she pretty rightly retaliated on my antagonizing with a fuck you and me not caring or wanting to be nice to her anymore I outright accused her of crying for attention. Screaming ensued, I was never welcome again, I'm a heinous bitch, get the fuck out. Q was chiming in similarly. I didn't fucking care, I was taking my fucking shit and going to the van.

No sooner had I gotten to the van that I realized I didn't have the keys. Feeling still terribly upset and feeling that Q hated me now too, I called my mom to sob that he was favoring his jealous selfish childish bitch of an ex because I called her on being a victim, and she was a terrible man-theiving whore. During the call I began to realize that I had overreacted and badly at that. Feeling bad, I decided to call an ambulance for them as they didn't know how to get to the nearest hospital. After a bit of me hassling to get things reported to the dispatcher, they hobbled out so I cancelled the ambulence call, and told them that the nearest hospital was in a nearby town, but they'd already found it and had the directions. I let them get to the car without hounding them further. Then remembered to ask for the car keys. I let her be while Q went inside for the keys, then finally starting to feel rational again, I got up to apologize to her for accusing her of making a cry for attention. Naturally she threw it back in my face with another Fuck you to which I gave a phenomenal fuck you go die and stormed off. I knew I didn't mean it as I said it(and was aware that they still thought she was going to die from it), just as I did about the cry for attention, but neither of us was in any kind of mood to make peace. I tried. I got bitched at more by Q, "Thanks for making me deal with two crises in one night" and then he left with her.

I sat in the van for hours, not knowing when they'd be back, if they'd be back any time soon. I called our mutual friend, the one who'd lost her friend to suicide and vented to her for a bit because she's the only person I really feel close to on this coast. She sympathized a bit, and even was more defensive of me than I felt I had a right to be. But she has a history with the ex too. I let her go because she had her own problems to attend to, she'd gotten lost and then found out where she was, right by her dead friend's house. I stormed and ranted a bit after a brief respite. I ended up just getting distraught because I felt she (the ex) had succeeded in her man-theiving. It hurt me all the more because I had trusted that Q wouldn't abandon me and that was exactly how I felt all alone in the car, with nobody to talk to, not knowing how long it would be before I would see him again, and knowing he'd be taking her side (he says both of us have been accusing him of taking the other's side, and refuses to pick a side, I think the term that he's on no one's side is pretty accurate at this point). I'd hoped that he would at least call me from the hospital at some point while she was getting treated, because after all she was getting plenty of time with him for her issues, which were clearly more important because she'd gone and made herself bleed and have to go to the hospital. He finally did call as she was checking out, but that was very brief because she came back out.

He came back put her away spent a little more time with her and came back out to me. It was four in the morning or so by this point. We talked a little I was still beyond distraught and he (still) keeps insisting for me to apologize for my actions. She got off lucky. I wanted to beat the shit out of her, for a few reasons, selfishly I needed to vent my anger. More constructively, I entertained the thought that phsycial violence might snap her out of her self-pity party and stop being a victim and fight back. But I didn't. It would have gotten me sent to prison for assault and Q probably wouldn't forgive that. Plus, I probably wouldn't have been able to control myself in a manner just to check her reactions. I would have as I said, beat the shit out of her. I was just in a very very violent mood and wanted to strike out at everyone and everything. I wanted to hit Q, I wanted to hit every person in the hookah bar, I wanted to destroy things. I limited my abuse to myself and our vehicle, except for one small kick on someone's bumper where I'd collapsed at one point. I stood up after that and returned my violence to our car, resisting the further temptation to thrash her car. Property damage was not much nicer than aggravated assault.

I've put up with a lot of shit from her, for a long time. I was always patient about it, until I decided last time that I wouldn't just cater to her neurotic whims and wouldn't let her avoid me. Saturday night unfortunately gave me the decision that I won't even pretend to be nice to her anymore. This devolution of my demeanor was an eventuality a long time in the making.

In anycase, after dealing with my irrational ass, he ended up going back to her because she needed someone to hold her. He'd already been falling asleep and despite his promises, I knew he'd fall asleep in there, and I'd stay the whole night alone in the van.

Sunday things were normal again in that tense way that everyone was trying to act like nothing had happened because no one had the energy to fight anymore. We cooked breakfast, ate and watched a movie. Then we went home got lost a few more times, and played more Bully and went to sleep late again. In a lot of ways, I'm starting to feel better, but at the same time, I'm still very bitter about a great many things, and not ready to get over it. I've got to keep my distance from her until I settle down because I can't be nice to her anymore, that seething bitchiness she woke up in me doesn't intend on settling down anytime soon. I'm trying to stop being mad at Q, and I've mostly forgiven him for most things that happened. The problem is, I'm still hurting.

Q disagrees with a few things in this, and has a perfect right to. This is not a scientifically accurate post this is an emotional opinionated rant that I need to vent until I am finally healed of the pain I feel about it.

01:35 pm: Bitterness
It's probably just a mixture of hormones, hunger and fatigue, but I've been crabbier than ususal lately. Plus, I'm still pissed off about the trouble at the club last night. The place was disorganized and extremely unprofessional, not bothering to update the paying customers ($20 is a ridiculously high cover charge) or even their own staff about the many problems with the event until it was just too late. I didn't pay 20 bucks to sit in what was the same quality as a High School Dance for four hours waiting for the main event that was supposed to have happened within the second hour. Q wanted to leave as soon as they told us, "Oh, we didn't actually have our liquor license so that 21+ VIP room isn't going to happen" It was really the only thing that would have justified the expensive cover to Q because entry to said room required twice the cover charge, but granted an open bar. He could have instead had the option of staying with an old friend he hardly gets to see. But instead I insisted on going to the club, because I wanted to see the promised aerial stunts, fire breathing/eating and metal grinding. I'm pissed off, because that was a waste of our money, money I could have spent on food, the fursuit I want to start on but can't afford to justify, or even just saved for school in the fall.

Today Q is hanging out with said friend. And... I wouldn't say I'm jealous. It's merely the fact that... not even that I dislike her, but she won't even treat me, or acknowledge me as a person, I am simply "the *other* woman" I don't want to hate her, I've tried to be her friend, but all I've seen and known of her is her acting needy, clingy and even downright selfish. I don't think it is fair the way she guilts Q about everything. Of course then I get into my self-deprecation mood, and accuse myself of whether I'm any better.

I'm just so bitter and frustrated, restless, I sit at home all day with nothing to do and nowhere to go. Sure I suppose I could clean and organize, or maybe work on art, but I have the motivation to do none of these things in such a state. I can't find my sculpting clay, so I can't work on the sculptures I have in progress, and I can't afford to go buy things to start on the fursuit I want to make so badly. I've already resolved that I can't buy the faux fur until after I've gotten a job and worked for at least two weeks. I need to apply for more jobs, but there was only really one in the area, working for Wendy's. My mom and both of my brothers have worked for said corporation, and I admit, it's an issue of pride that I don't want to have to work in fast food, the pizza joint I worked in was bad enough. But there's nothing else close enough. I think I might bus into the city proper with Q on Monday so I can look and see if I can find any job openings around there. I've seen lots of "Help Wanted" and "Now Hiring" signs around, its just, none of them are close enough for me to bike it. And, none of them are actually what I'm looking for. I should apply for the Grooming Salon Manager position at PetCo in the city, but I wont get hired for that, because I never trained as a groomer.

I'm not even sure if I can justify going to Anthrocon, it's coming up in a week or two, not a month as I had first thought. Everything always seems to stay the same.

08:07 am: Fear
I often forget the depths of trauma and downright neglect I've suffered. I forget that not everyone understands I've had a very different upbringing...

Manners. I feel so stupid... Literally I am socially retarded. I don't know how to explain to people my fear. I instead try to shut up about it, and try to pretend I am not. I would rather stay in my room all day and hide honestly. I don't want to go see and interact with people, because I am that terrified that if I screw up, they'll turn on me. And now, unintentionally and even counter to what I'm stressing myself out to do, I've slighted people. I'm afraid to face them alone. I don't expect good things... I don't expect support, but I need it so very very badly.

I don't know how to say how frightened I am to face them, now that I know, people actually don't like me. My instinct is to remain in hiding, I don't want to face them alone... but... they'll feel slighted even more if I don't come out of my room...

Plus, I literally can't hide in here all day, I will have to come out, even if just to pee, and with how many people live here, I can't avoid them. I'm actually feeling actively trapped. Words mean nothing to my sociophobia. People want to hurt me. I feel that way, even if logically I know there is no point or reason for them to do so. In my mind... they're all a part of that crowd, just waiting to turn against me, to start shouting for my blood.

And it's not only that, but, as a child, and even still as an adult. If scolded or yelled at, I will cry, I'm just that sensitive.

I don't want to initiate contact with others, I don't want to be noticed, because if I am noticed then I open myself up to attack. I don't just want to crawl into and curl up in a corner I want to be under the bed in the dark as I do it. I have enough control not to crawl under the bed (plus I don't think I can fit under there) but I don't know if I can leave the room.

But back to manners, y'know pleases and thank you's? Yeah, I kinda don't or rather, I basically learned them as unnecessary formalities, that I didn't need to know, so, I never learned to use them. I'm pretty sure this applies to any aspect of such a thing. I still find that people will stare at me when I eat from time to time. Anyway, I just learned this is the first of many things I need to learn to start doing, because I have apparently offended people on those accounts. (of course, I don't know what else I've also done, or not done, that is amiss)

11:17 pm: Philosophy
I believe very strongly in many things I have trouble explaining, or support things I would personally oppose doing. I vehemently despise religion for instance, the more I consider it the more it frustrates me, because it ever ends up becoming an issue of a man telling other people how he thinks God wants people to do. I think this is wrong, because to every person, different things are expected and required to accomplish the experiences necessary for His plan to continue. Although when I talk about religion I often refer to God, and will use the popular him, I see God as something MUCH less specific, and not a singular being, god extends into a variety of things, I feel science and humankind's unquenchable thirst of knowledge is a touch of the divine, the sometimes brutal symmetry or chaos of nature, it is all a divine balance.

But really this isn't about religion, but just basic rules of thumb that I feel would make most people considerably happier, based on the things I have felt and experienced as well as things other people have shared with me.

First and most importantly, Be Honest with Yourself. If you don't learn to search yourself and accept everything the good and the bad about yourself, you can never grow as a person and learn how to change. If you are not honest with yourself about what you really want out of life, you are never going to be happy or satisfied. Do not force yourself into something that you really don't want to do, for you will only resent it in the long run. If you cannot be happy in an action, you will hurt others in the process. This doesn't mean being selfish and always taking what you want. Finding the line between what we want and what we need is so very difficult in today's materialistic and conflicting society, and it brings to light all the more reason why we need to remember to look at ourselves. Meditation quiet time and journaling are all important things a person can do to improve their comprehension of themselves. Journaling is an amazing outlet to have because it allows the relief of stress in the situation, and the ability to look back over the entries and observe the trends and common threads can often reveal things about ourselves we were previously unaware of. Better than a journal though is someone else to talk to who will not judge you, and will listen and encourage you, asking you to explain things that you would not have realized otherwise that can open up a new course.

As for dealing with other people, it was said best by Max Ehrmann "As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons" (actually I HIGHLY advise reading Desiderata, the text this line is from, it's a big part of how I've formulated my beliefs, very simple and logical, you can read it here http://mwkworks.com/desiderata.html ) I'm not sure how much I can really elaborate on that, as I consider it rather self explanatory. Do everything you can to help others and be friendly without compromising yourself or your beliefs, so, even if YOU don't beleive homosexuality is right, you should be a friend to homosexuals and not judge or condemn them, at the same time if you truly believe it's wrong, don't become gay yourself. To use a kind of ridiculous analogy. Communication is not my strongest skill.

God is NOT religion. Regardless of how you perceive God, everyone needs to understand that when the bible says put god before everything else in your life, it doesn't mean to make church more important and central to your life than your family. It simply means, support all things which are good, and do not promote or support that which is evil. You are free to disagree with me on this one, but you will never convince me otherwise, in fact it is for that very misconception of that verse that I avoided God for so long, making myself needlessly more miserable. Also, make sure to ask yourself on a regular basis that in your religion however much you believe it, is it God who is telling you the rules and assuring you they are absolute truth, or is it a man?

Anyway, with that nicely controversial comment, I'm off.

12:19 am: Alone
*sigh* Yeah, I'm moping again. Like always... but then, I don't really post when I'm happy. Well, except for that one time. When I'm happy, I'm generally out enjoying life, when I'm not, I crawl away from it, cringing from the hardships... My mom was right when she'd tell me I was still a baby... I'm just so... untouched by the world I guess... I feel so awkward all the time, I never know what I'm really doing with myself, just taking whatever option seems best at the time and hoping I didn't screw up. But when I spend too much time thinking, I'll miss my chance, but if I don't I screw up... at least in conversations, I can't talk to people well... I've never been good with people... Which leads to what I feel my real problem is... I don't really have friends that I feel like I can talk to... Sure I talk a lot to a lot of people, but honestly, those things are just skimming off the surface of what is really going on inside me. It's moments like this, when I'm crying and I just want to call someone to talk... That I feel the loneliest. I suppose I could call Q, but it's three in the morning over there, and I'm not sure it's fair for me to dump on him... I don't want to guilt trip him just because I don't have the requisite skills to make friends. I don't mind so much that he's at home with family, going to the movies or hanging out with a new girl he really likes... I just wish... I could be somewhere hanging out with people I could talk with, and feel so comfortable. I hate being so very very dependent on other people, but I don't know how to take care of myself... I don't do anything for myself... everything I do, I do for the people that care for me, in spite of the fact that half the time I feel like I'm living a lie and that they don't *really* know me.

I sound like a fucking teenager all over again... that's kind of what this stage of my life has been for me.

And I'll be honest... I still feel insecurity to a large degree... I don't even fully trust Q yet, which makes me saddest, because that fact means that I literally trust NO ONE implicitly... That's part of what makes what I'm going through right now so much tougher, because I have to test the trust I have in him right now... and I'm not sure I've related to him just how crucial this is to our relationship... because... if he does slip up... there's a very good chance that I will have to walk away... And he's the only person I've really trusted to any degree in years...

And to top everything off, I feel terrible feeling terrible about my problems, because I know that there is a huge percentage of the world population unimaginably worse off than I am right now. That my whining, my petulant little boo-hoo's of nobody likes me is NOTHING compared to the pain that so many people are experiencing RIGHT NOW, and they're dealing with it anyway, not crying and cursing fate.

Hey... what the hell... call me someone? 661 644 9155

Edit: Feeling better and considerably relieved after talking to Q this morning and getting all these issues of my chest. Still, I like phone calls and I would like to know if anyone actually does keep up on my journal regularly. Far too often I feel like I'm just screaming out into an empty space and nobody's listening.

07:36 pm: Tired...
This last week has been so stressful and draining on me. I had to pack everything for me and Q, who left monday and then I had to clean the house, including our roommate's room which was the filthiest of all, worst of everything, I missed three days of class and no time for homework. I found out after I had gotten everything taken care of on one end and came to the new place I am to stay for the next three weeks, that our friend who pledged us a place to stay hadn't even told his parents. His mom is highly streesed out by our presence, because her husband has been in Colorado. She's also recovering from shoulder surgery. She has been riding me to keep resorting and repacking everything for shipping, and I've been hardly able to keep up with it all. My mom came to visit as well and she's been having a rough time of things herself.

I'm trying to relax, but I'm certain I've fallen behind on homework(most pressingly Art and English), and worried that I will fail Jiujitsu for absences. Also have a math test tTuesday. The only reason I am not in Pittsburgh right now cuddled up with my lover, is because I'm staying behind until I've finished my classes, and I am very anxious that I might not pass my classes, therefore making all of the effort and money that I've sunk into this will be a waste.

05:26 pm: Getting a little religious.
But I consider myself never to be preachy. Yesterday was basically my little monthly break down. After angsting and journaling onto some paper I felt greatly improved, and in an unprecedented manner, I actually picked up the bible and read. I read the better part of Matthew, and felt myself grow somewhat more resolved, and then, for the first time since whenever I was last elected to say grace, I actually prayed. I'm not sure If I've ever before really prayed. In the past, it was I suppose just reacting to a routine given to me by other people. I never felt a real connection to God before.

I've been making myself so miserable for so long, choosing to punish myself. I'm very hard on myself, I take everything personal, all slights real and imagined that I come across I feel are directly my fault. I know it's not healthy, and I need to learn to forgive myself for the manifold small mistakes that any human being makes. Because of how harsh a judge I have been to myself, I never felt that I could approach God. Though I paid lip service to the ideal that God is a loving entity, I don't know if I ever really believed it.

I never had a father growing up, so the thought of a Heavenly Father was something I think I was suspicious of. I could not trust it, I did not know what was expected from me. I was afraid, although I know all of Mankind is unworthy, somehow, I did not feel that I had any right to talk to God. I felt less than unworthy, often, I am haunted by a feel that I am completely without worth, or worth so little that I am not worth the care given to me. For a while I think I've been wallowing in believing that no one really cared about me... well except Q, I've never doubted that... though I often find myself so at a loss to understand why.

Mainly I am still a stranger to myself, and as such, it makes it so much harder for me to make friends with people, because if I don't like myself, why should I expect anyone else to? I've been looking for myself since I was in high school, and still, there is so much I don't know, though I have been growing by leaps and bounds of late. I still haven't grown comfortable in my own skin. For too long I hid behind a facade to avoid conflict, and ended up essentially lying to those who cared for me. I was cruel in my reveal. I didn't let anyone have the chance to come to know me at a comfortable pace. I had kept them all pushed away from the real me, and then all the sudden pushed back harder as if I was a completely different person.

I'm in a tough position now of trying to be myself without compromising in the same way that has driven me to the brink of insanity, and thus I end up refusing to compromise at all. It will take some time I think before I am able to mend the damage I have wrought on those friendships, but hopefully at the same time, I will be able to mend the damage to myself that I have been dishing for the greater part of my life. I'm a very sensitive person, so I am easily harmed by things around me, but to many over the years, I was told I was a crybaby. People tell me that I'm just crying for attention. This mindset has made me angry at myself, because I fell victim to believing the words of others above my own needs. So I learned not to feel, I learned not to speak out when bothered, instead of facing up to problems, I ran away from them.

Anyway, class is starting soon and I have to pee like a racehorse.

If you didn't catch the memo yet, I'm moving to Pittsburgh, PA at the end of May.

05:36 pm: Low Battary
I'm so drained now, while it's true I probably have traces of hangover, I'm primarily just physically exhausted. Q's car is gone so I have to ride my bike to school, three miles and uphill away. Granted I do have an electric bike, but that can only hope so much pedaling up a steep incline. I also have Jiujitsu on Mondays. Yesterday, I forgot my keys so I had to leave my bike overnight. While the walk or ride home is never too bad, the walk here today, already tired from yesterday's exertions, dehydrated, and walking through the searing afternoon heat I'm surprised I haven't keeled over yet. My physical condition does greatly affect my mood, and with depressing financial issues crushing down I'm rather unenthusiastic.

The way things are going it looks like Q is going to leave for Pittsburgh and I'll stay behind until I finish my classes. We haven't really talked about it, it was mentioned briefly and for the first time yesterday, and we didn't really have the most conducive environment for productive discussion last night. I aim on talking about it tonight, but I was fretting about it last night while Q was trying not to sleep but was, and on the way to school today. As much as I do talk about trying to assert my independence, I can't stand to be alone. Granted, I can survive being separated for two months I've waited longer on someone I thought was dead, but I hate to be alone, and I'm already rather bemused by the feeling that I don't have any friends here. I have acquaintances and people I can talk to, and I have plenty of friends I could call... but I spend my days at school feeling primarily alone, I'm not close enough to any of the people I've met to really consider them close enough to be the kind of friend I need right now. Hell, I'd be happy with just a dog that could walk to school with me, if not for the obvious fact that the school probably would not appreciate me taking an animal to class with me. I just need companionship.

I'm crippled when I'm by myself... I spent too many years inside my own head, I need other people to help me sort my mind, and I need to be able to help others with theirs. Granted, I have a happy relationship with Q, but we need more outside of just us, because we know each other's minds, and we have the same problems. We're trying our best to get ahead, but we've exhausted all the options we could think of.